Revelations, Man Crushes, and Soul Searching...

I can't begin to put my mind around everything here.  I also don't have as much time to blog as I initially thought I would, so this is going to be a lengthy one...

Part 1: Revelation!
Thursday night, I got two hours of sleep.  No hyperbole there, just two hours because I was up until 4am working on/finalizing a presentation on Hernani, a ground-breaking play by Victor Hugo.  I worked my ass off on that presentation, along with my partner, Beth (it was a duo presentation).  Not like we slacked... I don't think I've slacked a second since I've gotten here.  When I got up the next morning, I was a zombie. I couldn't remember the play, I could remember the characters, I had no idea what was going on.

I was scared about the presentation going into it.  And once I started, it was like everything just fell into place.  I had my research, I knew my material (we were allowed to use our notes, after all, and I was prepared with the information) and as I presented, it was like suddenly LIFE breathed into the information and I made all these connections and realizations as I was presenting the material to my classmates.  It was like this sudden, dawning realization of all the prep and research I had done just "clicked".  It was such a nice feeling.  Of course, as soon as I was done and our Professor gave us a break, I collapsed onto the floor in hysterical laughter.

This is a weird place, emotionally.

Part 2: Man Crushes
This realization just came to me after lunch today as I was walking to class...  I'm not sure if "man crush" is exactly the right phrasing for what I'm about to describe, but it's the closest thing I can come up with to describe this phenomenon...  When a man has some sort of admiration or non-romantic, non-sexual interest in another guy, they sometimes call it a "man crush."  (They're trying to be all "manly" about it because men are weird about their masculinity or emotions or what have you...)  Girls do it too, I don't know what it's called with girls, though...  It's that platonic attraction to another person that you find intruiging or engaging...  a sense of admiration and a desire to be around them and connect with them.

Everyone here is pretty much amazing.  I'm in awe of the people I'm surrounded by, and I find myself thinking, "How am I here?  Why was I chosen?  I don't measure up to these amazing, talented, experienced people!"  And that's not to say that I'm not talented or have experience, but seriously...  some of these people absolutely astonish me with what they're able to do in their teaching careers and even just in their daily personal lives.  I can't even begin to describe it, and I hope that some of it rubs off on me.

Everyone here amazes me, but there are a few people in particular I find myself drawn to...  that just really stand out for their professional experience, their personal experience, or just the way that they carry and conduct themselves.  And it's the same feeling that you get with a high school crush, that "I wonder if they will accept me, I wonder if they feel the same way?" and it's really weird.  I really admire these people, and I'm trying to absorb as much as I can here, especially from them.

I think part of it too, is trying to make that connection with someone who understands what you go through as a theatre educator.  I feel so isolated at home sometimes (personally and professionally) and now I'm finally around a whole bunch of AMAZING people who finally really GET what I do, and share in the ups and downs of what it's like to be a theatre educator.

I only have two weeks left here, and even though I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, I'm really sad about having to leave and go back to feeling isolated and not having people around to connect with and share those experiences with.  There are so few people at home who share these experiences with me.  .

At the end of my Teaching and Directing Young Actors class (AMAZING!), we all presented a theatre ritual, and a lot of people did really nice "warm fuzzy" type activities.  One that is sticking with me, and making me truly feel warm and fuzzy is when a friend from class (who I've known for, like, 5 days...) said how I had described myself as very shy.  (I am.)  But that when I got up to present my lesson to the class, the shyness when away and I was in command and powerful, and it was like I was ten feet tall.  He said that he sees that there's so much more in me.  That was another realization moment for me...  to recognize those things I have...  because in the isolation I feel at home, I think those things get buried away and I forget about them.  

I realized today that it takes a really special person to be a true "theatre person."  And I'm surrounded  by them.  And it's humbling and empowering all at the same time.  I'm feeling like I'm starting to build my confidence, get out of my head, make connections with people...  I'm trying to figure out what is MY "thing" that makes me a theatre person...  because everyone here is different, but we all share a common passion for what me do.  I want to suck up all the juice I possibly can from this experience.  It's like binge eating, and going home is the aftermath.

I miss home, and I miss my theatre people, and I miss my friends, and I'm so excited to come home and share and do and try all the things I've managed to absorb this summer...  In theatre, in school, with my kids, and for myself.

I am full of awesome.